I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline
which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the
Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination
without Cause." This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know
why they record these conversations)
"Rich Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you
when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it,
not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes
and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take
it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
The French teacher was explaining to a mixed high-school class that in French all words have a gender:"
The house, as an example, is feminin: la maison. The pencil, instead, is masculin: le crayon".
One of the students rose his hand and asked: "What about the computer?". The teacher was quite perplexed
and had to admit that there was not a gender for that word, which was not even mentioned on the French dictionary.
So it was decided for all the boys to team together (and so the girls) and start a quest to decide the computer's gender,
giving at least four good reasons.
The boys arrived to the conclusion that the appliance had to be feminin, because:
1) Besides her creator, nobody can understand her internal logic.
2) Nobody can understand her native language, that she uses to communicate with other computers.
3) Even the smallest mistakes are permanently saved in her memory, that will throw them back at the user as soon as feasible.
4) Immediately after you have bought one, you find that you have to spend at least a half of your wage on various "absolutely necessary" accessories.
The girls, of course decided that the computer was of masculin gender, because:
1) If you need to use him, you have at first to turn him on.
2) In spite of retaining an enormous amount of data, he can not think by himself.
3) Has been invented to solve problems, but in most cases HE IS the problem.
4) Immediately after you have bought him, you realize that, if you waited JUST A SECOND LONGER, you would have found a better one for a lesser price.
The problem remained unsolved......
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
gentoogod: omg dude
gentoogod: today i might the stupidest 3 people i ever met
gentoogod: thier 3 brains combined couldnt solve the dilemma they faced today
siral21: what was it
gentoogod: ok before i say this
gentoogod: 100% true, not one second of a lie
gentoogod: this lady went into mcdonalds today and ordered a big mac for her
gentoogod: and ordered 2 mcgrittles one for each kid. one had bacon one without
gentoogod: her sons are around 18 or 19 so not infants
gentoogod: she went to the counter furious cause the son that wanted bacon
has no bacon on his and the one that didnt want bacon has bacon on his
gentoogod: i fell on the floor beside her and couldnt stop laughing
gentoogod: so i finally stood up and asked her to repeat, thinking maybe shes drunk
gentoogod: i swear to god she looked at me straight faced and repeated it.
and her 2 sons were beside her mad that they didnt get the order they wanted
<^head^> A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
<^head^> After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
<^head^> This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
<^head^> "Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
<^head^> This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
<^head^> Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
<^head^> At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
<^head^> "Is Michael Jackson God?"
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window - It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right
into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the
others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity,
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in the air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside.
"Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of
the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom
when you run?"
"Nope ... just when it's raining."
AUSTIN POWERS PICKUP LINES
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher.
Have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
We sometimes take English for granted. But if we
examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you
down slowly, boxing rings are square and guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the
plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of
phone booth be phone beeth. If the teacher taught, why
didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways. You have to
marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a
house can burn up as it burns down and in which you
fill in a form by filling it out. And a bell is only
heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race (which of
course isn't a race at all). That is why when the
stars are out they are visible, but when the lights
are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts
but when I wind up this story it ends?
And more......................... Some food for Thought"
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1
billion stars in the universe you will believe them,
but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will
have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't
people from Holland called Holes?"
Any of these take your fancy as a new out of office auto reply? =o)
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Be prepared for my mood.
I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in,
chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be
promoted to management
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from
vacation on 18/04. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and
£1.99 for each additional word in your message
'The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of it is that when I return, I can
see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place,
and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me
as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'
A lesson in life...
I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be.
She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me,
quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went.
She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married,
and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married
and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once..
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.
I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door...
I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside,
and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased,
you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.
Lesson learned -> Always keep your condoms in your car.....
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother".
2. He liked Gospel music.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But, then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure He was God.
But, then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But, then there were 3 equally arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But, then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But, the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And, even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in
copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all
of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made
even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Abbot says, "We have been
copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son".
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. Eventually the young monk gets worried and
goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall.
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" In
a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate, not celibate!"
Dubya is having brekky with her majesty. He says "As I'm the President of the US of A,
I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that
it should be a Kingdom."
"I'm sorry Mr Bush' says the queen, 'but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in
charge - and you are not a King."
"How about a Principality then?" he asks, after a while.
"Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush."
He thinks long and hard. "How 'bout an Empire then?"
The Queen is getting a little impatient. 'Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you
must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor.
"It seems to me perfectly appropriate that you remain a country."
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their
new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was
an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old
secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't't tell what the
weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather
Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went
back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order
to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's
definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back
to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of
the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like
Nämä kysymykset on postitettu "South African Tourism" - verkkosivulle.
Kysymysten alla verkkosivun ylläpitäjän vastaukset. Taitaa olla
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometers - take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me
list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere where significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All
South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
+10 Helsingin vuokra-asukkaat panevat lämmöt päälle. Lappalaiset
+5 Lappailaiset ottavat aurinkoa, jos se sattuu nousemaan horisontin
+2 Italialaiset autot eivät käynnisty.
0 Tislattu vesi jäätyy
-1 Hengitys muuttuu näkyväksi. Aika suunnitella lomaa Välimerellä.
Lappalaiset syövät jäätelöä ja juovat kylmää olutta.
-4 Kissa tahtoo samaan sänkyyn.
-10 Aika suunnitella lomaa Afrikassa. Lappalaiset menevät uimaan.
-12 Niin kylmä, ettei edes sada lunta.
-15 Ranskalaiset autot eivät käynnisty
-18 Helsingin talonomistajat panevat lämmöt päälle.
-20 Hengitys muuttuu kuuluvaksi.
-22 Amerikkalaiset autot eivät käynnisty. Ei tarkene luistella.
-23 Poliitikot alkavat surra asunnottomien kohtaloa.
-24 Japanilaiset autot eivät käynnisty.
-26 Hengitystä voi leikata iglun rakennusaineiksi.
-29 Kissa tahtoo samaan pyjamaan.
-30 Saksalaiset autot eivät käynnisty. Lappalainen kiroaa,
potkaisee renkaaseen ja lähtee käynnistämään Ladaa.
-31 Ei tarkene suudella, huulet jäätyisi yhteen. Lapin
jalkapallojoukkue alkaa harjoitella kevätkautta varten.
-35 Aika suunnitella kahden viikon kuumaa kylpyä.
Lappalaiset lapioivat lunta katolta.
-39 Elohopea jäätyy. Ei tarkene ajatella. Lappalaiset
panevat paidan ylimmänkin napin kiinni.
-40 Auto tahtoo samaan sänkyyn. Lappalaiset panevat
-45 Lappalaiset sulkevat kylpyhuoneen sisäikkunan.
-50 Merileijonat lähtevät Grönlannista. Lappalaiset vaihtavat
-70 Jääkarhut lähtevät Pohjoisnavalta. Lapin yliopistolla vietetään
-75 Joulupukki lähtee Napapiiriltä. Lappalaiset laskevat lakin
-250 Alkoholi jäätyy. Lappalainen suuttuu.
-268 Helium muuttuu nestemäiseksi.
-270 Helvetti jäätyy.
-273,15 Absoluuttinen nollapiste. Kaikki alkeishiukkasten
liike lakkaa. Lappalaisetkin myöntävät, että jo vain alkhaa olla
Helvetti jäätyy jo paljon korkeammissa lämpötiloissa:
Taivaan lämpötila voidaan laskea melko täsmällisesti saatavilla olevista
tiedoista. Lähteemme on Jesaja 30:26 "Ja kuun valo on oleva kuin auringon
valo, ja auringon valo on oleva seitsenkertainen, oleva niinkuin seitsemän
päivän valo, [...]". Niinpä Taivas saa kuusta yhtä paljon säteilyä, kuin
maa auringosta ja lisäksi auringon säteilyn seitsenkertaisena. Kuusta
maahan tuleva valo on noin 1/10000 auringosta maahan tulevasta valosta,
joten se voitaneen jättää huomiotta. Soveltamalla Stefan-Boltzmanin lakia
(I=dT^4) saamme Taivaan lämpötilaksi 493C.
Helvetin lämpötilan tarkka määritys ei onnistu annetuilla lähtötiedoilla,
mutta arvio voidaan esittää. Johanneksen ilmestys 21:8 "[...] kaikkien
valhettelijain osa on oleva siinä järvessä, joka tulta ja tulikiveä palaa.
[...]". Tulikiven, eli rikin, sulamispiste on 113C ja kiehumispiste 445C.
Helvetin lämpötilan on siis oltava välillä 113C - 445C, muutoin järvessä
oleva oleva tulikivi joko jähmettyy tai höyrystyy jolloin järvi ei
ole järvi, vaan tasanko tai pilvi.
Lopputulokseksi saamme, että Taivaassa on 48C - 380C kuumempaa
Male or female...?
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a
wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons
are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have
to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But
consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English
will be the official language of the EU, rather than German (the other
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
the English spelling has some room for improvement, and has accepted a
five year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and
reclassify it as EuroEnglish. The agreed plan is as follows.
In year 1, the soft 'c' will be replaced by 's'.
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The
hard 'c' will be replased by 'k'
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one letter less.
2nd year. In this year there will be a growing publik enthusiasm, when
the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible
mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should
By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing
'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas).
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords
kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRUE !!!. VE VIL AL SPIK LIK GERMANS !!!
A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling to her husband:
"Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All $5 million of it... Woooohoooo!"
"That's great, Darling!", he replies, "Do I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
"Who cares," she replies, "Just F%#&k off!"
William Shakespeare and Henry Longfellow went up to the gates of heaven at the same time.
- I´m awfully sorry, boys, but our centrum of culture is full.
One of you must go back to the earth for one more year.
Who will it be?
Or maybe we´d better have a contest. The one of you who recites the most
beautiful poem about... about... Timbuktu, he comes inside, allright?
- I was gazing over the abandoned land, and all I saw was a sea of sand.
A caravan was passing through - destination - Timbuktu.
- Tim and I o´hunting went.
We spied three maidens in a tent.
Them being three and we but two,
I booked one - and Tim booked two.
- Inside, Mr.shakespeare. Goodbye, Mr.Longfellow.
Subject: SORRY, DOCTOR - COULD YOU SAY THAT AGAIN?
ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND ON PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS:
1) She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot
in bed last night.
2) Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3) On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
4) The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
5) The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6) Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7) Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
8) The patient refused autopsy.
9) The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10) Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11) Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days.
12) Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13) Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14) Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want
to work her up.
15) She is numb from her toes down.
16) While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17) The skin was moist and dry.
18) Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19) Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20) Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.
21) She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until got
22) I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
23) Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24) Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25) The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26) The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
27) Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28) The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29) Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should sit on
the abdomen and I agree.
30) Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31) Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half
discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries
with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and
convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have
been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war
and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and
the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a
glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but
no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man:
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
HER SIDE OF THE STORY:
He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink.
I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been
my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything
much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk a bit more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I
tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or
something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him
deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell
that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this is
really worrying me.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!
So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with
a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over between us.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes,
he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances and we made love.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront
him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:
England lost. Got a shag though.
Some really good customer care and market research lessons from the 'arms industry'...
Subject: Fw: McDonnell Douglas Customer Warranty Questionnaire
This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by
an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company of course,
does not have a sense of humour, & made the web department take it down immediately
(for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too).
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect
your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration
card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will
help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name: .......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........
2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /....... /......
4. Serial Number:...............................................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: [_] Style /
appearance [_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America [_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future: [_] Colour TV
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate
all that apply:) [_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Arab Prince
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque
12. Your occupation:
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Arab Prince
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you & your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will
be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better
in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings & special offers
from other companies, governments, extremist groups & mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand
new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION, Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division.
This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)
named above & may contain information that is confidential
privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low
self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs.
If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution
or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly)
and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation
has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning,
it does not have any legal or grammatical use & may be ignored. No animals
were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is
living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear
of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message
revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice
from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself
& your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you & your pets. If you
have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg & egg whites,
whisk & place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
It was George´s last day on the job as a postman after 35 years of
delivering the mail through
all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route George was greeted by the
whole family there, who
roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy
gift envelope with a
hundred dollar bill.
At the second house the owners presented him with a box of fine Cuban
The folks at the third house, knowing he was an avid fisherman, handed him
selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house George was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, beckoning him in, closing the door behind them,
leading him up the stairs to
the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
When he had enough, they went downstairs, where she then fixed him a giant
potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was
truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup´s bottom edge. "
All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what´s the dollar
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that
we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, ´Fuck him. Give him a dollar.´ -- The breakfast was my idea."
Heaven is crowded
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so GOD decided to
change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to
have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into
effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01
the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law,
promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to
tell me about the day you died.
"No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've
thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day
on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor
apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come
come and catch them. Well, I got there
and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy.
My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire
apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about
to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed
that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy to think he could hide
from me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his
fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it,
he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die.
This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside
to get th e first thing I could get my hands on to throw at
him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator.
I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over
the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after
that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically,
the guy did have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion,
so he announced, "OK, sir Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.",
and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's
therule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you
died." "Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe
this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment
doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able
to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine.
When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment
and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fell. I
hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so
didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground,
unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his
refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge
and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes
"I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to
himself. "Very well.", the angel announces. "Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven", and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the
"Tell about the day you died.", said the angel.
"OK. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a
A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and
there were only 3 survivors: Damian, Darren and Deirdre..........
They manage to swim to a small island.......and they lived
there for a couple of years............ doing what's natural for men and
women to do....
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely
horrible about what she had been doing...................
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad
that she killed herself...............
It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get
through it and, after a while.................. nature once more took its
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began
to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.....................
They buried her.
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to
swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the
watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.
The control centre in the US calls:
"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen." He sits down
and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the
temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the
monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later the control centre calls again: "Monkey number 2,
monkey number 2 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to
add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to
add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.
So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen
and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please woman approach
the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do
she says..... "I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything."
A man had great tickets for the World cup final. As he sits down, another
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the World cup final, the biggest sporting event, and not
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we
haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man sadly shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."
Three guys, a lady and myself were sitting at the bar
talking about our professions.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know....
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know....
Then, they suddenly look at me and immediately I said...
I'm a BITCH....!!
What does a Bitch mean?
So ladies, next time somebody calls you a Bitch...........
SMILE...........And say Thank You!!!!!!!!
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting
next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a
flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her
up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it
shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself, "ooh shit, she doesn't work for Delta". A moment later, another
slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something
special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked
himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the
United slogan: "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?" This time
the woman turned on him "What the fuck do you want?" The man smiled, then
slumped back in his chair, and said... "Ahhh, Finnair"
Question: "WHAT COMPANY IS THIS?"
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees
and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
...The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each
year designed to keep *the rest of us* "in-line".
You gotta pass this one on!
That makes 373 offesnses out of 535 members (providing
there are no double offenders), which is a whopping
70% of Congress! I try not to send out things like
this without researching into it further (Hey--I don't
want to be called in for defamation of character, or
worse, accomplice to anti-Americanism & terrorism!),
so I sluethed around the Net. Check out the sites
below, and if you find anything that points you in
another direction, please let me know where those
statistics can be found. *Stay informed.*